…And I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry to if it happened to you.
Are you humming this song from the 60s now? I’m so thankful I had parents that played the oldies radio station growing up and I can have songs like this in my memory bank. I need to play that station for my boys – I’m failing them in the history of good music. (by the way the picture of my parents from the previous post was taken by none other than my almost 5 year old son Luke – we thought he did a pretty good job).
Ok – back to the crying during my birthday song. (And yes I know the words are It’s My Party, but she does say in the verse “Oh what a birthday surprise” so I took liberty with the words for the sake of this post.) I spent the last hours of last night and the first few hours of today crying. Just could not dry it up people – the tears kept coming and the sweet birthday texts and facebook posts kept dinging on my phone.
Here’s the deal people the last 24 hours have been rough. I told Mark last night I wish my birthday was next week, maybe I’ll be in a better place to celebrate. But right now…ugh! Just ugh! It’s just a lot and it’s heavy.
The month of July was like a big ol’ torment. I got the taste of my life being normal. But now I’m back sleeping in my chair because it’s more comfortable than the bed. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit up. My bruises are purple and green. The scars are big and messy. (I thought I mentioned this, but maybe I didn’t, they used fat grafting on my sides so the bruises go around each of the sides of my waists in addition to my chest). I never wanted plastic surgery. Some people consider this a ‘bonus’ when it comes to breast cancer. I don’t honestly. I never would have gone to a plastic surgeon on my own. I had to face time with my baby for my birthday – he even kissed the phone. Oh my word the preciousness – and he’s so happy. But that’s not normal people. I have no hair and I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of touching my bald head. Yes it’s growing back, but I’m tired of having to match hats to outfits every day. That’s not normal. You are supposed to get dressed and fix your hair – not have to make your head match or coordinate with whatever you want to wear. And as much as I wanted today to be about celebrating life, I just couldn’t get there. I kept thinking about six months ago today. I thought that this time, six months later, would feel better. Would feel further. And it just didn’t.
Didn’t – past tense. Not doesn’t – present tense.
I decided to tell Satan to stick his pity party up his *** and that I was done with him stealing my joy. And so I sat down and just started journaling, writing, crying like a baby and begging God to help me, to show up, to comfort me. And here is what I wrote:
Lord I need your comfort and your help. I need you to lift me up on wings of eagles right now. So high out of this shadow; out of this pit. I’m tired. I’m tired of climbing when falling is just easier, but if I could climb onto your back fly out under the shadow of your wings instead. Please Father. Sweet Abba Father help me.
Isaiah 40:31 “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” New Living Translation
“But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.” Amplified Version
Lord I needed this verse. I needed it to refocus on the new life I have. The new hair that is growing. The new boobs that took place of the sick ones. Celebrate new days as a survivor. This being my first birthday after cancer.
Psalm 55:22 was my verse from the very beginning – still thinking of that Veggie Tales song. “He will take care of you”.
Amplified Version “Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail).
1 Peter 5:7 “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” New Living Translation
Amplified “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He care for you affectionately and care about you watchfully.”
Whew Lord. Deep breath. Hold my hand. Help me take one step at a time. I’m leaning on you Lord for support.
So there you have it. Straight from my journal. And I knew I had to share it with you. I wanted his encouragement to reach out to you as well. I feel lighter, not necessarily better. All of those things are still my reality, but I’m not carrying them anymore. He is.
On another note I feel very strongly that the Lord is asking me to get off social media for a year. One whole year…AAKK! I will post occasionally on my Team AJ page, but my personal Facebook and Instagram page I will be going dark. Birthday to Birthday.
I will continue posting updates on this public, easily accessible website since the care calendar time came to a close. Please sign up to receive these updates to your inbox, I will slowly start migrating my health updates and posts to this site. You can do this by clicking at the top right corner and putting your email in the blank under ‘Follow blog via email’ (if you are viewing this on your phone you have to scroll to the bottom).
Thank you for your continued prayers.